Happy Fourth of July!

The last few days have had their share of disappointments and joys. I'll start with some brownies I made from a recipe I had saved from Joy the Baker for S'mores Brownies. Mine looked just like those photos and they sounded soooo good. But when I tasted them, I was disappointed. They were kind of dry. I think the crumbled graham crackers in the batter were the culprit. So, I gave a bunch of them to Kate to give to her coworkers today.

The joy in yesterday was seeing Emily make it down for the fireworks. She said she wanted to come down but I was afraid the trip would be too much for her. It was such a normal thing to do, watching fireworks together (along with her friends who knew right where to find us, we're always in the same spot!). We haven't had a lot of normal in a while and it felt good. The fireworks were wonderful and we oooh'd and aaaah'd and enjoyed them tremendously.

We had planned to go to the lake today. We loaded the car and after a detour around Berlin (where they were having their town parade) we made it to the lake at 10:08 only to be told that it was full to capacity and we couldn't get in. We were surprised because we had just driven by and could see that there weren't many people there. We left early this morning because we knew it would be crowded. The weather was gorgeous and it's a holiday. Disappointment! Kate suggested we drive through the woods on the way home so we did. None of us were dressed for a trip through the woods. Bathing suits and flip flops are not the way to walk through the pine brush so we stayed in the car and just enjoyed the scenery. After all the rain, it was green as far as the eye could see. Beautiful and peaceful.

One of the joys of living in the Garden State is the farmers' markets on the way home from the lake. We got some lucious raspberries, some beautiful blueberries, some cantaloupe, some tomatoes, sweet corn and some peaches. The peaches smell good but are not nearly ripe so I put t

hem in a brown paper bag (which helps them to ripen) and in a few days, they'll be perfect. I made a fruit salad out of the berries with some watermelon and some strawberries and it was delicious. Tasted just like summer. We had the corn and some chicken (marinated with lemon, lemon thyme, garlic, olive oil and salt) on the grill and some tomatoes with mozzarella for a light, delicious fourth of July meal.

As I sit here, I can hear fireworks in other towns going off. Philadelphia has a huge fireworks display but it's so crowded that we avoid it. Just the thought of all those people makes me nervous. I'm content with our town's more modest offering.

I finished some baby socks for my coworker. As usual, the smallness of them makes them cute. I'm working on a matching hat. I'm kind of winging it so we'll see how it goes. It was a peaceful day. The weather was just about perfect and we have a whole 'nother day tomorrow. Talk about lucky. Pk and I are going to the local flea market in the morning and then home for blueberry pancakes. Who could ask for better than that?

A little while ago, Bells wanted to see our favorite photos of ourselves. I have thought long and hard about this and I'll admit, it was tough. I never like how I appear in photos. I never look like what I think I look like. (does that make sense?) I'm always fatter than I imagine and I always have shiny skin or my hair looks funny. In my mind's eye, I look good and in photos I see this goofy looking woman. I have never had a lot of self confidence in the way I look so it didn't surprise me that I had a hard time. That was one reason I had the 'pin up' shot done for Pk two years ago. It challenged me to look at myself in a new way. I even put one in a frame and he has it on his desk at work.

And so I give you these. I apologize for the photos of the photos. I don't own a scanner and these are way before the advent of digital photos (when photographic evidence was still admissable). These are two of my favorite photos, both taken October 10, 1981.

This photo(the one on the left) is one of my all time favorites. We had it made into a large wall photo and it hangs in our living room. When we got married, we asked the photographer to take candid shots because we both felt we looked more natural that way. He caught the "eskimo kiss" photo and we didn't know it until we saw the proofs. The other photo is another candid shot. My favorite part is the look on Pk's face. He looks so happy. I have fond memories of our wedding day. It was a lovely fall day and we had such a good time. We had dated for 6 years before we got married and it just felt so right.

This kind of ties in with that marriage article. As I read her words, the author seemed to me to be justifying (for herself) her divorce. Marriage didn't work for her and therefore it shouldn't exist for anyone. I often feel dispair when I read how much people pay for weddings and the lengths they go to have a 'special day'. For me, any day I got married to the love of my life would automatically be a special day. We had a small wedding. My mother and I made my wedding dress and we had comfort food and good music. It wasn't about the day, it was about the lifetime to come. After almost 28 years (am I really that old?) it's still about the lifetime. It's about the day in and day out living, not the party or the clothes or the presents. (although, I firmly believe everyone who stays married this long deserves a 'marriage shower' where they can get sheets and towels and other necessities just like newlyweds. Our food processor is wearing out!). I think it should be more difficult to get a marriage license. We give them out with just a blood test. Maybe if it was harder to do, people wouldn't enter into it so easily. Maybe they'd give it some thought.

I'm no expert on relationships or marriage. I only know what has worked for us. And I'm well aware of the measure of luck that goes into all of this. But there is also stubbornness and laughter and hard work and joy and love. Mix it all together with a load of compromise and there it is.

It's time to go and fix dinner. I defrosted pork chops but Pk is jonesing for bacon. If I can rustle up the fixin's, it's BLTs for dinner. I am trying to whip up some baby socks for a coworker's baby boy who will be born soon. The shower was a little while ago but I had forgotten and I feel bad so baby socks are on the needles. Fortunately, they're quick and easy. If I'm really ambitious, I'll make a matching hat.

I have a half day tomorrow and Friday is a holiday. This means fireworks on Friday night and then Pk and I are planning a day at the lake on Saturday. That is, if we get up and get there early enough. It tends to fill up quickly on holidays. It's supposed to be sunny on Saturday and Kate and El are going to to with us so it should be a good day. I love the lake. Sitting on the beach and watching children run around and laugh and eating french fries (for some reason they taste so much better there) and knowing that I have to relax because there is nothing for me to do.

Whether you're celebrating or not, have a good weekend.

and I almost forgot,

Happy Birthday, Canada!

I wonder why it is that some weeks I notice lots of interesting things to blog about and can't wait to share them and others I am mute. This was a mute week. Since we last spoke on Tuesday, life has been quiet. It's been a round of work and home and playing Tetris. I have knit very little. I spun some.

I finished plying the silky merino that Jejune sent me. I plied it with some sparkly thread and its beautiful. There isn't much of it, almost 2 ounces of fingering/lace weight yarn but it's so pretty. I started to play with some of the alpaca we got a few weeks ago. It's got quite a halo about it and is a pretty oatmeal color. And I've been working on some plain socks. Just quiet stuff, nothing flashy or challenging.

Today we awoke to blue skies with puffy white clouds. It was lovely. Pk and I decided to go the Columbus flea market since we didn't go last week (rain) for Father's Day.

We got there around 9:30 and the parking lot was full and look at the crowd. The sun was hot but there was a breeze that seemed perfectly timed to cool us off. I found a good deal on a brand new (still shrink wrapped) set of expensive colored pencils for Elanor and a hat for Pk and a Navy patch of the USS Eisenhower, (the ship Pk and my ex-brother in law, Smoke served on in the late 70's). I bought two patches, one for Pk and one to send to Smoke. Pk and Smoke became good friends while in the Navy and shared adventures as they sailed the Mediterranean. He lives in Seattle and someday we'll get out there to visit. For now, I'll send him the patch and let him know we're thinking about him.

Pk came home happy because he found an old tool. He belongs to the old tool network and these guys spend their time talking about old tools. This is a saw vise and you use it to hold saws while you sharpen them. (Who says I can't have an educational blog? You just learned something!) It is cast iron and weighs a lot. He also bought some little rusty bits for sharpening something. He knows way more about my hobby than I know of his.

Speaking of my hobby, there wasn't a skein of yarn or a needle to be found anywhere today. All these tables of stuff and not one knitting related thing. Pk offered to stop at my favorite lys on the way home but I declined. (ok, get up off the floor, I know it sounds crazy). I really don't need any yarn or roving right now and knew if I went in there, I'd spend money. I'll make up for it at the Garden State Sheep Show in September.

We brought home some fresh bread that is so good we had to tie up the bag and walk away or there would be none left to have with the spare ribs I'm cooking for dinner.

The home page on my computer is set for msn.com. It's a way to keep up with odd things happening in the entertainment world and often bits of cultural weirdness that you can't help but find fascinating. Today, there is an article on marriage and why it isn't culturally relevant anymore. It's here, if you're interested. It's kind of funny because Pk and I have been talking about marriage and how some people have a hard time with it and others don't. He was getting a hair cut and the men around him were not cut out for being husbands. They were talking about their wives and ex/wives (one guy had 3) and the problems they caused( because it's the women's fault). It made Pk smile and he said how glad he is that he gets to come home to me. I'm glad I have him to come home to. We will celebrate our 28th anniversary this October and when people ask "how?", I have no real answer. I could take the easy (and true) way and say "I married my best friend" but that's not all there is either.

So, what do you think? Is marriage still relevant in today's society? And if not, what, if anything, do we replace it with? I don't know what I think, yet. I read the article and found it interesting but I don't think I agree with her. What do you think?

I walked out of my house today, on my way to work, with bare legs, bare arms and a heart full of optimism. There was some blue substance where the sky should be (it might be cloudless space, it's been so long, I've forgotten) and I was determined to feel a little like spring/summer. I wore a skirt. And sandals.

Usually, by this time, we've all been gradually baring body parts to the sun and warmth. This year we've all kept covered up and shivered when we wore short sleeves. There were the few brave souls who wore the shorts and tank tops despite the cold, rainy days. I was not one of them. Today was the first time I've gone out without arm and leg covering. It felt wonderful to feel the cool breeze and not have a jacket on. Then Pk pointed out the very dark clouds that were going our way. I resolutely turned my head toward the blue horizon and moved forward. I am sitting at my desk watching the sky become overcast (the clouds could keep right on moving) and feeling safe because I always keep a light jacket at my desk (the a/c here is VERY cold) and I have an umbrella. I may get wet going home but it was totally worth it to have a summer moment this morning.

Thanks for not shunning me for my post about my father. I know family relationships are often hard. And no one who does not live in the family can know what's going on inside. I hope I didn't give the impression that my childhood was a bad one. It wasn't. My parents just weren't good with praise. I think they were always afraid we would become conceited. My sister was "the pretty one" and it was "a good thing I was smart" (I know, ouch). It took Pk a long time to convince me that he thought I was beautiful. He helped me get over many insecurities about myself. My parents took care of us in the best way they knew how and if we had all stayed young, dependent children, everything would have been fine forever and ever. But, of course that doesn't happen.

And now we have families of our own and while I don't know about my sister, (she stopped talking to me when my parents did), my brother is striving to make a happy place for his kids. And me? I have managed to build what I wanted. A family where you are loved and accepted for who you are, not what I think you should be. My children drive me crazy sometimes and I don't always agree with their decisions but I remind myself it's their lives, not mine. And we're all happier for it.

I have been knitting but not a lot. I've been resting and sleeping on and off. My body seems to need extra sleep, probably after the last few weeks, it's tired. I find myself asleep in the chair with needles and yarn in my hands. Just like an old lady. There is usually a cat in my lap. I only hope I'm not drooling......I want to go back to working on Em's sweater. My hands are feeling pretty good and if the weather stays warm, I'll have a good chance to give it some quality time.

Happy Tuesday! Hope it's a dry one.

Today is Father's Day here in the US. (and the first day of summer but we won't talk about that since it's raining and the temp is about 10 degrees below what it should be). I haven't seen my Dad for a number of years. We've had a strange relationship since he married my mother when I was 7.

My mom was a single mother for a number of years when she met my dad. When they married, my sister was 5 and I was 7. She was still young enough to be a "daddy's girl" but I was not. Or maybe I was just not inclined to be one, I don't know. It was strange having this person come into our lives. A person with rules and thoughts about how things should be done. My mother let him take over in a lot of ways and our lives changed, mostly for the better.

When I was 10, my brother was born. To give my dad credit, he never made a distinction between my brother who was his biological child and my sister and I. In 1972, he adopted us legally. I always thought we had a good family.(until I made a good family of my own and could see the difference) My childhood memories are not bad ones. As long as we followed the rules and did what we were told, things were good. My dad was not one to cross. He had a wicked temper and tended to yell first and listen later. I made a decision that I would not speak in anger to my children based on growing up with my dad.

When Pk and I started dating while in high school, my dad made it clear he was not happy. He made it difficult for us to have a relationship. When Pk went to talk to him one day, to request that if he had problems he talk directly to him and not put me in the middle, my dad blew his top. And that's the stated reason why he didn't come to our wedding.

Our early married years were tough as I tried to balance learning to be married to a man I loved and keep a relationship with my parents. When the girls came along, it became tougher. My father saw my children a handful of times. He said he was afraid he would become close to them and then Pk wouldn't let him see them. As if I would stand for something like that.

Eventually, after a trip down to see them (they live about an hour away) and my dad left to walk the dogs and reminded me that my mother wasn't strong and we shouldn't stay long, the girls and I decided we felt unwanted and that was the last visit.

I keep up with them through my brother (who has his own tumultuous relationship with them). I know my sister sees them often. They welcome her into their lives. I've often thought it was because she NEEDS them and I just loved them.

Very often when people hear bits of this, they say in semi-accusing tones "but they're your parents!". To which I reply, "but I'm their daughter!". When you hit your head against a brick wall over and over, eventually you end up with a headache and a bloody wall. When the headache got bad enough, I decided to stop. And my life was calmer and more peaceful.

I'm not sure where this came from today. Maybe because I was mentally comparing Pk's relationship with our children and mine with my own father. We were determined to have a happy family and let our children grow into people with their own thoughts and ideas (Boy, did they ever!). I think we've succeeded. My children have a good relationship with their father and know he's there for them unconditonally. I didn't say they don't have their share of fights, what kind of family has no fights? But there is mostly love and respect and caring. And humor. Lots of humor.

I've been blessed to be married to a man I call my best friend. He's the person I think of first when I hear something interesting or have some bit of news. He's the shoulder I lean on and the person I reach out to when I have a nightmare. He gets my jokes and obscure references and for 28 + years, he's been the love of my life. My girls are lucky to have a father who would step in front of a train for them.

So, Happy Father's Day, my love. You're the best.

Well, we made it to Friday. And despite my vow to not wish away days or try to hurry through the week to get to the weekend, I am very glad it's Friday.

I've tried to give Em some space so I haven't called or texted. She surprised me by texting me while Pk and I were eating dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant. She said she thought I might me anxious (me? anxious?) and she wanted me to know she was ok. I told her I'm not anxious but caring and I knew she was ok. I'm not worried about her (well,not alot). I'm sure she'll be fine. She's tough and is healing nicely.

On Tuesday, while she slept, I finished grafting together the North Sea Shawl. I tried to take some photos and they're not too bad but with 14 days of rain out of the last 18, it's hard. Here it is posing with my spinning wheel.

Some stats:

North Sea Shawl from Folk Shawls by Cheryl Oberle. I used Mountain Colors silk/merino blend in Wild Horses. I don't think the colors look anything like Horses. They remind me of the sea and that's why I chose it (and it goes with lots of things in my closet). It is light and airy and lacy. I have no idea why I am drawn to knit these kind of things except that they are beautiful and I love beautiful things and am thrilled to be able to say "I made that." Shawls and scarves have never been my style but I'm going to make an effort to wear this as an accent with my summer clothes.

I did a bad thing last night. I have 3 pair of socks otn right now. I have Pk's brown stripes, Em's Zaps and the purple and green ones for my aunt. Was I satisfied with those? Obviously not because I kept looking at the lovely cake of Purple Trainwreck and decided I just had to play with it. Kate asked for socks and I chose Spring Forward from Knitty Summer 2008. Easy, easy pattern and the PTW is gorgeous. I'm having that "oooh I can't wait to see what comes up next" moments and I'm in love. If I make the socks short anklets, I could get two pairs out of this and make a pair for Elanor, too. I have never had so many projects going at the same time and it feels weird. But, I'm obviously ok with it because I'm not making any real move to fix it.

Last weekend Pk made me a fountain. A few years ago, I got a fountain as a gift. It was mostly a bowl of rocks with a bubbling bit of water. I loved it. I like the sound of water. It died and we had a different fountain like this one. When we put it up in the living room, I couldn't believe how quickly it seemed to dry up. It needed filling every day. One day while I was sitting in the living room, I saw one of the cats drinking out of it. Well, that explained it. The cats were using it as a drinking fountain even though they had water on the floor in a bowl. After a few years, it died because the pump would get clogged with cat hair and I would forget to clean it out. We had two of these. The last one got destroyed in the Great Electrical Surge of '09. I really missed having a fountain and the cats missed it too. Problem was, we couldn't find one in any of the stores around here. There were 300 dollar outdoor fountains but all I wanted was a 30 dollar fountain to put on the table.

So, when you can't find what you want, you make it. We bought the pump first (at the local garden store). Then we went searching for a planter that we thought would work. It had to be kinda deep but not too deep and not too wide. We found one we liked. It was ceramic which necessitated buying a ceramic bit for the drill so Pk could make a hole in it for the pump cord. He drilled and pulled the wire through and replaced the plug and filled the hole with silicone. We bought a length of tube and some rocks and Voila! A new fountain. The cats love it and have already taken to drinking from it. I like the sound of bubbling water. It gives life to the house.

Our weekend plans include some food shopping and some play time and some time off for Pk since Sunday is Father's Day. I was hoping for a day at the lake or a picnic but the weather will not be nearly nice enough for that. There was some sun today and I revelled in it. It felt good on my arms and face. Makes me hopeful that summer might actually start this weekend.

Good morning! Once again it's raining. And the National Weather people say it's supposed to rain until Monday. Sigh. Everything is a lovely shade of green but it's hard to enjoy it if you are stuck indoors.

Here is a meme from Bells. It was an interesting set of questions and helped me pass the morning before I start work.

What Is Your Current Obsession?

Spinning. I finished some Purple Trainwreck and I love how it came out. I have two bags of alpaca to wash, card and spin. A whole summer's worth.

What Are You Wearing Today?

I'm at work so I'm wearing grey pants and a sweater with a purple and white and green argyle pattern on the front. Oh, and wool socks. It's June and I should be wearing something gauzy and light. But they're calling for cool (and rainy) weather again today. At this rate, the summer clothes will be put away unworn.

What's for dinner?

It's only 8:30 in the morning but I'm thinking I'll make some shrimp scampi. I have a doctor's appointment at 5 so I'll want something easy to prepare when I get home.

What Would You Eat for Your Last Meal?

I'm not sure. There was a time when I would have said lasagna and salad and garlic bread but I've been eating lighter as I get older (I wish it would show more!). I think a good French Onion Soup and some crusty bread and strawberry shortcake.

What's the Last Thing You Bought?

Fried chicken, cole slaw and biscuits from Church's chicken, a local place that makes the best fried chicken. We were coming home from Em's on Tuesday and were too tired to face the kitchen.

What Are You Listening To Right Now?

The sounds of my workplace coming to life. People are starting to move around the halls. On my mp3 player is Selected Shorts from npr.

If you could go anywhere in the world in the next hour, where would you go?

Seattle, Washington. We were planning to visit there this spring but other things got in the way. I'd visit Pete's Navy buddy and then find my way to Oregon to see Roxie and then if I had the time and money, I'd find my way down to California to see Amy Lane and then over to Arizona to see Galad. What a trip that would be!

Which language do you want to learn?

I had four years of French in high school and loved it. Everything sounds good when you say it in french! I think I'd also like to learn arabic. I love the way it looks and I'd love to be able to read it. And then maybe Yiddish.

What do you love most about where you currently live?

I love the fact that I can be at the beach in a little over an hour, in the mountains in three hours and deep in the woods in less than an hour. And there's a city right next door if I want lights and entertainment. And I love my quiet little town.

What is your favourite colour?

Pink. I grew up in the heyday of the feminist movement and with a mother who loathed pink so it was not a color that was around much but I secretly loved it. When my girls were little, I tried to encourage them to accept pink but they all rebelled and won't touch it. I still love pink. I have a pink cell phone and a pink wallet and have just started to bring some pink into my wardrobe.

What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?

A pair of Lee Riders jeans. They fit comfortably and look good with sneakers or boots or flip flops. I have four identical pairs.

What were you doing ten years ago?

About the same things I am doing now. I had the same job but my family was younger so I was needed more. I spent more time going to school functions and class trips. Sometimes I miss that. I was not knitting or crocheting. I did embroidery and I sewed. I made all the Halloween costumes (except for the year Kate wanted to be a Power Ranger, it was easier and cheaper to buy it) for the girls.

Describe your personal style?

I like to be comfortable and look feminine without being too frilly. I wear what I like whether it is currently in style or not. I tend to like classic things but once in a while splurge on something that I know will not last long.

If you had $300 right now what would you spend it on?

Clothes. I love to buy clothes. I'd clean out the wardrobe and replace my favorite pieces with some new ones. And some shoes. I haven't really bought shoes since I bought some danskos a while ago. They're what I wear most of all.

What are you going to do after this?

Answer some phone calls and drink my coffee. I have seven treatment plans to write and then a group to run.

What inspires you?

The people I work with. They have serious mental illness and despite that, manage to get up and get on with their lives. It makes me annoyed with myself that I complain about my problems.

What are your favourite films?

The Women (both versions). Wonderful look at women of all kinds.

Who's work/designs are you inspired by?

Susan Pandorf of Sunflower designs. I have watched her business grow over the past two years and it has been amazing. She has a fertile mind and is so clever. She sees design ideas in everything around her.

Your favourite books?

And Ladies of the Club by Helen Hooven Santmeyer. JRR Tolkien's books. And almost anything written by Stephen King. I know, I know but he's so entertaining. A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking and Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth.

Do You Collect Anything?

Not really but I have a collection of tea pots. It started innocently enough when I asked for a teapot that had belonged to my grandmother. And then I got one from my other grandmother. My aunt decided I must want more so she bought me one that plays 'tea for two' when you pick it up. She has also bought me many, many little tea pot shaped tchatchkes.

What makes you follow a blog?

I usually start out by following a link from a comment and then if I like it I come back. Then I start to feel like I know this person and we are some how connected. Sometimes I come back because they challenge my way of thinking.

What was the most enjoyable thing you did today?

Since it's a work day and still early in the morning, the most enjoyable thing was the train ride in with Peter Kevin.

What's one thing you dream of doing?

Winning the lottery and opening my own mental health center where I would pay people a good salary and offer services to people in need whether they could pay or not. It would be a pleasant place with happy employees.

So, there you have it. Some more obscure information about me. Anyone interested in sharing?